Trader Sam's - Originally Published 2011

I hate to be the person to do it, but I’m going to tell you the truth about one of your childhood memories.  Let me paint the picture.  Remember when your parents would take you and your siblings to Disneyland in the summer?  And do you remember when they let you go explore the park on your own?  Your dad would tell you something like, “Keep an eye on your sister.  We’ll meet you at Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride at 4:30. Your mother and I are going to take a ride on the Monorail.”

“Taking a ride on the Monorail” was actually a euphemism for “We’re going to go and get a drink”.  Thankfully, the visionaries at the Magic Kingdom have opened Trader Sam’s, a tiki bar that will allow a whole new generation of adults to take the ride.

You can sit outside of the bar and enjoy the afternoon, but remember this is a Disney-fueled tiki bar, but I recommend that you take a seat inside.  Aside from rum-heavy fruity drinks, the Imagineers have also dropped in some surprises.  Certain drinks trigger rain to fall, a volcano to erupt, or a ship-in-a-bottle to sink. 

In typical Disney fashion, they have pulled out all of the stops when building this place.  Just take a look at the men’s room.  Tiki wallpaper, tiki door handles, and tiki sconces.  They could have scrimped, but that just isn’t the Disney way.

So aside from the décor, how are the drinks?  Really fine.  Don’t let the fact that you’re in the Disneyland Hotel deceive you.  They pack a punch.  While we were there, we watched on guy seated at the bar proudly announce to his wife, “So I’m drunk!”

Shrunken Zombie Head – Lots of rum.  Not for the inexperienced.

Piranha Pool – Kind of like a Blue Hawaii.  It has a sweet that doesn’t let up.

Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki Room – The Trader Sam’s pina colada.  This was my favorite of the bunch.  Rumor has it, if you don’t rattle off all of the tiki’s when you order, then no drink for you. 

How about the food?  It’s good bar food.  We tried the Pu Pu Platter, the lettuce cups, and the Ahi Poke.  All of it worked.

Bruxie - Originally Published 2011

Spend some time in Southern California and you’ll end up meeting the “I Don’t Go To OC” guy.  Who is he?  He’s the guy that would rather go to a leper colony that to take a trip south on the 5.  He’ll make a fuss and act like anything outside of the 310 is the cultural equivalent of taking a trip to Mayberry. 

Here’s my take on that guy.  Stop trying to convince him to come down this way.  You know why?  Because the line at Bruxie is already long enough.  Let him be small minded and provincial.  You and I will be able to dine on waffle sandwiches and will laugh with delight knowing that our snobby friends are missing out. 

Yes, waffle sandwiches.  Waffle sandwiches of all kinds.  Sweet and savory.  Breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  And not only that, but also milkshakes.  We can eat them with glee as the “I Don’t Go To OC” guys fret over the closure of the 405.

Sergio's Leather and Belts - Originally Published 2011

You know what’s nice?  Not being destitute.  You know what’s nicer than that?  To have the resources necessary to put an artisan to work.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I hate to be a braggadocio, but three years of hard work and globetrotting have put me in such a position.  One fine Sunday found Animated Meat at the Orange County Market Place.  I happened upon Sergio’s Leather and Belts.  Sergio is a master leather craftsman.  After explaining the virtues of hard versus soft leather to me, I decided to put him to work.  What better place to embody the Animated Meat philosophy than in a belt and a wristband? 

America, what you are all witness to the first-ever commissioned work by Animated Meat.  It’s the best I can do to use my capital to support American industry.

Beach Ball Comics Free Comic Book Day - Originally Published

I hate to be dystopian in my view of the future. However, let me tell you something, America.  As I travel around, I see these little hints of things to come.  Maybe they’re omens and maybe they’re not. 

God bless comic books.  And God bless guys like Stan Lee, William Gaines, Don Martin, Al Jaffee, Sergio Aragones, Jack Davis, Mort Drucker, and Antonio Prohias.  And while I’m commanding God to bless some people, let’s throw in all the people out there who produce and sell comics.

Why am I being so liberal with the blessings today?  If it weren’t for comics, I would be illiterate.  It’s true.  I chose to read Daredevil as opposed to Great Expectations.  I know I was supposed to read Madame Bovary.  But I couldn’t.  It was a stupid book about a spoiled French woman.  And I was already occupied.  I was pouring over a fold-in in the back of a Mad Magazine. 

While my birth as a reader was hardly on the mean streets, it was nontraditional to say the least.  And now I find myself in a disturbing place in America’s history.  Are you aware that in the 1950’s there was a movement to do away with comic books?  Why was that?  There was a supposed link between reading comic books and juvenile delinquents.  If Johnny read a copy of “The Vault of Horror” it would only be a matter of time before he became a switchblade-wheeling hot rodder.  The funny thing about all of this is that the juvenile delinquents in the 1950’s actually read.  Our delinquents are lucky if they can spell their neck tattoos correctly.

Yes, I’m back on the reading jag again.  People just don’t read anymore.  As further evidence, I present to you Free Comic Book Day.  For those that aren’t in the know, that’s the first Saturday in May.  Comic book publishers and stores give away thousands of free titles.  Why?  Altruism aside, it’s to get people back into the stores and reading again.

I decided to celebrate Free Comic Book Day at Beach Ball Comics in Anaheim.  As one can gauge from the photos, there was quite a turnout.  And why not?  This store seems to be well run and managed without the comic book store attitude that might have sent you packing in the past.

I assure you that comics are just as great as you may remember.  Not sure where to start?  Give “The Sandman” by Neil Gaiman a try.  If you’re looking for something on the bleak side, try some Alan Moore.  But more than anything, I recommend that you head to a place like Beach Ball.  Throw yourself on the mercy of the clerks.  Let them know that you haven’t read any titles since the seventh grade.  They would love to have you there and will gladly steer you in the right direction.  

Medieval Times - Originally Published 2011

This is my nephew Tyler.  He just rolled up the big 1 on the odometer of life.  As far as I can tell, he’s pretty smart for his age.  He crawls and can pull himself into a standing position.  Lately, he’s taken to pointing at things.  And, he can clap his hands like a mother. 

The thing I like about Tyler is that he’s smart without being creepy about it.  I believe the term that some parents use is precocious.  But you know what I mean.  One time I went on a tour of Chichen Itza and there were one of those kids in our group.  At first, his command of Mayan culture and history was cute.  But then it got to a point where I found myself thinking, “Pump the breaks, Boy Wonder.”  I found myself firing off answers just to shut him down.  According to my wife, I was jealous.  Probably.

But back to Tyler.  The other night, we took him to Medieval Times in Buena Park.  It’s great time.  However, there is a certain amount of suspension of disbelief that must happen.  If Tyler would have acted like one of those precocious kids, he would have wrecked the experience for all of the adults in his group. 

For example, when he found out he was going here, he kept it to himself that the Medieval Period was a thousand year period in Europe that was ushered in by the fall of the Roman Empire and ended as the Renaissance was welcomed in.

And when the king welcomed us to his castle, Tyler kept it cool that it would have been impossible for the king to speak English in the 11th century.  After all, as any one year old knows, the Norman conquest of England didn’t even take place until 1066. 

At that time, folks in the British Isles still spoke something now known as Old English.  Old English is a German-inflected language that would be completely foreign to our ears.  Tyler might have also recommended an untranslated version of Beowulf if we didn’t believe him. 

He also kept it to himself that even at the time of the Canterbury Tales, Chaucer’s version of English would actually sound a bit more like French to the modern ear.  Clearly, we would all have to wait until the time of Shakespeare before we would get an English we would all be more comfortable with. 

Thankfully, he let it slide.  When the kings musicians played a fanfare on the their trumpets, he spared us one of those cute little lessons about how if truly were Middle Ages of Europe, the last thing we would ever hear would be a trumpet, at least not in its three-valve combination.  As any toddler knows, the valve trumpet didn’t show up until the eighteen hundreds.  Even Beethoven’s works featured natural trumpets.  

Yes, kids do say the darnedest things sometimes.  And all of the adults in Tyler’s immediate vicinity appreciate that sometimes it’s what they don’t say.