Trader Sam's - Originally Published 2011

I hate to be the person to do it, but I’m going to tell you the truth about one of your childhood memories.  Let me paint the picture.  Remember when your parents would take you and your siblings to Disneyland in the summer?  And do you remember when they let you go explore the park on your own?  Your dad would tell you something like, “Keep an eye on your sister.  We’ll meet you at Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride at 4:30. Your mother and I are going to take a ride on the Monorail.”

“Taking a ride on the Monorail” was actually a euphemism for “We’re going to go and get a drink”.  Thankfully, the visionaries at the Magic Kingdom have opened Trader Sam’s, a tiki bar that will allow a whole new generation of adults to take the ride.

You can sit outside of the bar and enjoy the afternoon, but remember this is a Disney-fueled tiki bar, but I recommend that you take a seat inside.  Aside from rum-heavy fruity drinks, the Imagineers have also dropped in some surprises.  Certain drinks trigger rain to fall, a volcano to erupt, or a ship-in-a-bottle to sink. 

In typical Disney fashion, they have pulled out all of the stops when building this place.  Just take a look at the men’s room.  Tiki wallpaper, tiki door handles, and tiki sconces.  They could have scrimped, but that just isn’t the Disney way.

So aside from the décor, how are the drinks?  Really fine.  Don’t let the fact that you’re in the Disneyland Hotel deceive you.  They pack a punch.  While we were there, we watched on guy seated at the bar proudly announce to his wife, “So I’m drunk!”

Shrunken Zombie Head – Lots of rum.  Not for the inexperienced.

Piranha Pool – Kind of like a Blue Hawaii.  It has a sweet that doesn’t let up.

Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki Room – The Trader Sam’s pina colada.  This was my favorite of the bunch.  Rumor has it, if you don’t rattle off all of the tiki’s when you order, then no drink for you. 

How about the food?  It’s good bar food.  We tried the Pu Pu Platter, the lettuce cups, and the Ahi Poke.  All of it worked.

Downtown Disney - Originally Published 2009

I made an important decision about my future.  If I ever have a son, I’m going to make a big deal about his first trip to Disneyland.  For about six weeks straight, I’m going to get him really excited about the place.  By the time we park, he’s going to float across the parking lot.

But in reality, I’m actually going to just take him to Downtown Disney.  What’s the point?  While it may be a magic kingdom, the last time I checked they’re charging a pretty penny for a piece of that magic.  By having a crappy time a Downtown Disney, my little kidney donor will never ask to go again.  Sure, he may be sullen and end up moving to France so that he can sulk in a café, dear old dad will never have to part with his money.

So what exactly is Downtown Disney?  There are a few restaurants and a few stores.  There is even a House of Blues.  Unlike its two upscale cousins, Disneyland and California Adventure, it doesn’t cost a dime to get in.  It’s a way to get a taste of the Disney lifestyle without parting with the cash.

Now it may sound like I’m negative on this experience.  Maybe I am.  But at the same time, Mickey has done something remarkable here.  He’s provided for a clean and safe place for folks to gather.  Very clever, Mickey.  Very clever, indeed.

Epcot - Originally Published 2009

Animated Meat is all about expanding horizons and pushing outside of the mundane.  In my humble opinion, one of the best restoratives is to pack a bag and go wander around.

But let’s face it.  Traveling can be expensive.  And aside from that, foreign countries are always filled with foreigners that speak in foreign tongues.  I mean, they don’t even have the decency to learn English.

So, if you’re the slightest bit xenophobic maybe you should spare yourself the misery of travel to exotic ports of call and set your GPS for Epcot in Florida instead.

Epcot is almost like two parks in one.  The front half of the park is committed to the exploration of tomorrow.  The exhibits in and around the big silver ball all deal with future technologies.  Hopefully in the future we will get a handle on population because the day we went it was crowded beyond all imagination.

Because of the lack of any useable space, we headed straight back to the second part of the park, the World Showcase.  The first two lands were Mexico and Norway.  After a boat ride in Norway, we were treated to a five-minute film on the history of the country.  Really.

China was a hoot.  There weren’t any rides here.  It was more a place to stop and get a plate of authentic Orange Chicken.

I think that it was when we arrived in Italy that I realized that the World Showcase is basically a big shopping district.  Not every land has a ride but every one has a few stores devoted to the wares of the land your in.

Another thing that I realized is that every single land sells alcohol.  There are eleven total lands in the World Showcase.  It would be quite a game of bar golf to try and have a drink in each one.  Maybe Animated Meat will host a tournament here one day.

I feel the need to pause a bit before the tour continues.  I really don’t want to come off as one of those turds who hates everything Disney.  I really don’t hate Disney.  The company fascinates me.  Somehow, while everyone else in the world compromises their standards, they haven’t.  They continue to deliver a solid product and put customer service way up on their list.  If anything, they’re victims of their own success.  My primary turn off is that to go to a Disney park is to drown in crowds.

Morocco had to be the best of the lands.  It was humming with activity and served really good food. 

Another amazing thing about Disney is that they actually import their labor from each of the lands.  Japan has Japanese people, Morocco had Moroccans and Mexico had Mexicans.  They don’t just have some FSU student wear a fake mustache and a sombrero. 

Disney's Wild Kingdom - Originally Published 2009

The Disney World Resort in Orlando is actually a combination of several different parks.  There are four theme parks, two theme parks, and countless other attractions Disney has established in order to entertain the tourists. 

So what exactly is Disney’s Wild Kingdom?  Let’s think about in musical terms.  Name a song by OMD.  You probably mentioned “Secret” because that was a single.  Disney’s Wild Animal Kingdom is a deep album cut like “The Native Daughters of the Golden West”.  It’s every bit as good as the rest, but it’s not as visited.

With so much Disney choice, what brought us here?  If you’re an avid follower of Animated Meat, you know it’s near impossible for Mai and I to pass up an attraction that has animals.

If you decide to visit, expect something different from the typical Disney experience.  This is largely an opportunity to look at animals.  It’s really not too ride heavy.  If you’re looking to go on big roller coasters, go somewhere else.

One of the big attractions at the Wild Kingdom is a revision of the Matterhorn.  They decided to transpose it into the Himalayas and completely retool the ride.  Worth the wait if there is one.  There wasn’t the day we went.

Now considering that I am thirty-six and do not have children of my own, it would seem that I am not high on the typical Disney client list.  However, as far from the demographic as I am, I was not disappointed.  I think that Disney had done a remarkable job with this park and it deserves a visit.