Trader Sam's - Originally Published 2011

I hate to be the person to do it, but I’m going to tell you the truth about one of your childhood memories.  Let me paint the picture.  Remember when your parents would take you and your siblings to Disneyland in the summer?  And do you remember when they let you go explore the park on your own?  Your dad would tell you something like, “Keep an eye on your sister.  We’ll meet you at Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride at 4:30. Your mother and I are going to take a ride on the Monorail.”

“Taking a ride on the Monorail” was actually a euphemism for “We’re going to go and get a drink”.  Thankfully, the visionaries at the Magic Kingdom have opened Trader Sam’s, a tiki bar that will allow a whole new generation of adults to take the ride.

You can sit outside of the bar and enjoy the afternoon, but remember this is a Disney-fueled tiki bar, but I recommend that you take a seat inside.  Aside from rum-heavy fruity drinks, the Imagineers have also dropped in some surprises.  Certain drinks trigger rain to fall, a volcano to erupt, or a ship-in-a-bottle to sink. 

In typical Disney fashion, they have pulled out all of the stops when building this place.  Just take a look at the men’s room.  Tiki wallpaper, tiki door handles, and tiki sconces.  They could have scrimped, but that just isn’t the Disney way.

So aside from the décor, how are the drinks?  Really fine.  Don’t let the fact that you’re in the Disneyland Hotel deceive you.  They pack a punch.  While we were there, we watched on guy seated at the bar proudly announce to his wife, “So I’m drunk!”

Shrunken Zombie Head – Lots of rum.  Not for the inexperienced.

Piranha Pool – Kind of like a Blue Hawaii.  It has a sweet that doesn’t let up.

Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki Room – The Trader Sam’s pina colada.  This was my favorite of the bunch.  Rumor has it, if you don’t rattle off all of the tiki’s when you order, then no drink for you. 

How about the food?  It’s good bar food.  We tried the Pu Pu Platter, the lettuce cups, and the Ahi Poke.  All of it worked.

Orange County Fair - Originally Published

Say the words “Orange County” to most people, and the last thing that comes to mind is a county fair.  However, if we consult our history, the reason that there is an Orange in OC is because during the majority of the last century, it was an agricultural hot spot.

It’s true, though.  If you don’t believe me, go take a look at the exhibit at Muzeo in Downtown Anaheim.  Guys like Carl Karcher and Walt Disney helped grab this place and thrust into big city living in the 1950’s.

Now, before we go further into this review, I must warn you.  I love the Orange County Fair.  Although I was raised in LA County, I think that the one in Pomona mows this place’s lawn.  It’s the perfect combination of animals, sleeved OC parents pushing strollers, and midway ballyhoo to get this mark to drop some cash.

To honor the Orange County Fair, this will be my first ever multi-page entry.

So, without further ado, this way to the egress. 

First, a little etymology on the word “mark”.  That’s an old carnie term.  If you had a wad of cash, one of the carnies would put a mark of chalk on your back.  As you walked down the midway, all of the pitchmen knew to work you a little harder.

I tell you this, dear reader, as a warning.  You see, don’t plan on going to the fair looking for a discount.  For the last several years, I have rolled in with $100.00.  I have never left with more than about seven or eight bucks.  If you don’t have the cash, don’t go to the fair.  You will be disappointed.

Now, with that in mind, here is how I wisely invested my $100.00 this year.  First stop, Hercules, the Giant Horse.

Yup.  He’s big all right.  And ornery.  He doesn’t take kindly to a bunch of rubes standing and gawking.

Now, if you’re not related to old man Rockefeller, you can also pay a visit to an oversized plastic cow for free.

The key to enjoying the fair is to spread it out.  To speak coarsely, don’t blow your load all at once.  Once thing that I can recommend without hesitation are County Fair Cinnamon Rolls.  These things are a little piece of perfection.

 I would describe them as “adult sweet”.  They aren’t the sickly sweet, type-two diabetes jazz that get kids off.

Quick word of caution:  Don’t bank on getting one at the LA County Fair.  County Fair Cinnamon Rolls don’t do Pomona.  Diva attitude?  Probably.  But the way these things taste, I relinquish all the power to them to make the rules.

Chocolate covered bacon?  I don’t eat the swine, so I don’t know.  But according to my wife who does, this one would get classified under “sucker bet”.

There are plenty of the normal diversions on the midway, like freaky clowns, jumbo-sized turkey legs and sand sculptures of Weird Al Yankovic.

This is the perfect place to go if you have any issues paying attention.

Multiple petting zoos and amazing products of the future like rhinestone studded cell phone covers shouldn’t be missed.

For generations, anything that happens at a fair or a carnival immediately gets denigrated to low-brow entertainment.  I’m calling bullshit on that one.  Take a look at this.

By my count, in this series of pictures, there are no fewer than twenty plates spinning.  Twenty plates!  Why doesn’t the Academy give these guys an award for their efforts?

This isn’t a fugazi.  This lady is balancing on nine kitchen chairs, which are being held up by four wine bottles, which are balancing on a stool.  Lemme see one of those poor mentally challenged people on The Hills do this.

Of course, right after viewing something like Chinese Acrobats, there will always be a reminder that you’re at the fair.  You see this poor bastard?   He was trying to eat a three-pound funnel cake.  Didn’t do it, so he had to pay for it.  At this point, all he was doing was gagging.

The big trend at the fair over the last decade has been to deep-fry everything imaginable.  So far, I’ve tried deep-fried avocado (crappy), as well as deep-friend Oreos and Twinkies (godlike).  This year, I gave the deep-fried Snicker’s bar a try.  The flavor completely missed me and I can’t recommend it.

At this point, you might not be entirely convinced.  Can’t you find all of these distractions at the LA County Fair?  I suppose.  But before you veto it, there are two very important things that you must take into consideration before passing judgment.  First, is its size.  The OC Fair is easily half of the size of the zoo in Pomona. 

Second is the fact that the OC Fair has put a real emphasis on Arts and Crafts.  Every year I make it a point to look at what the amateur artists are doing behind the Orange Curtain.

I have a lot of respect for any place that foregoes endless miles of Jacuzzi salesmen in favor of giving amateur creative folks a real outlet for their work.

Of course if you notice the guy in the background holding the oversized banana, you can never entirely forget where you are.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the moment you’ve all been waiting for . . .

The Orange County Fair runs for about a month during the early summer on a yearly basis.  Do yourself a favor and go check it out next year.

The Holy Land Experience - Originally Published 2009

You know what folks?  I’m really dumb.  Really, really dumb.  I’m going to fall on my sword here and quantify exactly how dumb I really am.  $70.  What’s $70?  That’s how much I paid to get my wife and I into the Holy Land Experience.  My wife knew I was being dumb, but she didn’t put the breaks on it.  I guess there is an insane look I get in my eyes and she knows that there will be no talking me out of something.

So what is Holy Land?  I hesitate to call it a theme park.  We paid to walk around and look at a mish-mash of Sunday school projects produced by folks with a budget.  By the way, this is a Trinity Broadcast Network production.  Apparently, they believe in the divinity of the white, mechanical baby Jesus.

What was I doing here?  I kept asking myself that question.  As far as church and religion are concerned, I don’t feel like I need them.  When I want to get close to god, I’ll hang out with my wife, or go to the mountains, or watch my Chihuahuas run around.  There are a thousand better places that I can find where I get close to god than at church.

Now that I think about it, I think I came here in order to goof on people.  I wanted to look at the deeply religious and laugh at them.  Remember when I said I was dumb?  This is how dumb I am.  I paid $70 to some vampires to laugh at those who believe.  I feel like a creep as I write out my confession.

First, I’m dumb because I gave $70 to TBN.  I’m sure that my money is being used to hold up gay marriage in the courts or to buy some hairspray for Benny Hinn.  Second, I’m dumb for wanting to laugh at people who believe.  That’s not right.  I should know better than that.

But mostly I’m dumb because Jesus was a really nice guy.  We went to the Last Supper and sat on the Judas side of the table.  John called me “brother” and there was no irony in his voice.  It made me feel like a bug turd.

The Holy Land Experience is a big bummer.  Don’t do it to yourself.  Be glad that Animated Meat took this one for the team.  Donate a pint of blood and give your $70 to a charity of your choice.

With all of that off my chest, here is some of the stuff we saw. 

Jesus’ tomb was empty, for he is risen.  However, Meat was comfortably relaxing on the other side.

Blond Jesus wants your children to throw a couple bucks in the toy machine.

here were dinosaurs on the ark according to the model in kiddieland.

My wife can walk on water.

TBN has produced a religious version of “It’s a Bug’s Life”.  It’s for sale in the store.

Epcot - Originally Published 2009

Animated Meat is all about expanding horizons and pushing outside of the mundane.  In my humble opinion, one of the best restoratives is to pack a bag and go wander around.

But let’s face it.  Traveling can be expensive.  And aside from that, foreign countries are always filled with foreigners that speak in foreign tongues.  I mean, they don’t even have the decency to learn English.

So, if you’re the slightest bit xenophobic maybe you should spare yourself the misery of travel to exotic ports of call and set your GPS for Epcot in Florida instead.

Epcot is almost like two parks in one.  The front half of the park is committed to the exploration of tomorrow.  The exhibits in and around the big silver ball all deal with future technologies.  Hopefully in the future we will get a handle on population because the day we went it was crowded beyond all imagination.

Because of the lack of any useable space, we headed straight back to the second part of the park, the World Showcase.  The first two lands were Mexico and Norway.  After a boat ride in Norway, we were treated to a five-minute film on the history of the country.  Really.

China was a hoot.  There weren’t any rides here.  It was more a place to stop and get a plate of authentic Orange Chicken.

I think that it was when we arrived in Italy that I realized that the World Showcase is basically a big shopping district.  Not every land has a ride but every one has a few stores devoted to the wares of the land your in.

Another thing that I realized is that every single land sells alcohol.  There are eleven total lands in the World Showcase.  It would be quite a game of bar golf to try and have a drink in each one.  Maybe Animated Meat will host a tournament here one day.

I feel the need to pause a bit before the tour continues.  I really don’t want to come off as one of those turds who hates everything Disney.  I really don’t hate Disney.  The company fascinates me.  Somehow, while everyone else in the world compromises their standards, they haven’t.  They continue to deliver a solid product and put customer service way up on their list.  If anything, they’re victims of their own success.  My primary turn off is that to go to a Disney park is to drown in crowds.

Morocco had to be the best of the lands.  It was humming with activity and served really good food. 

Another amazing thing about Disney is that they actually import their labor from each of the lands.  Japan has Japanese people, Morocco had Moroccans and Mexico had Mexicans.  They don’t just have some FSU student wear a fake mustache and a sombrero. 

Disney's Wild Kingdom - Originally Published 2009

The Disney World Resort in Orlando is actually a combination of several different parks.  There are four theme parks, two theme parks, and countless other attractions Disney has established in order to entertain the tourists. 

So what exactly is Disney’s Wild Kingdom?  Let’s think about in musical terms.  Name a song by OMD.  You probably mentioned “Secret” because that was a single.  Disney’s Wild Animal Kingdom is a deep album cut like “The Native Daughters of the Golden West”.  It’s every bit as good as the rest, but it’s not as visited.

With so much Disney choice, what brought us here?  If you’re an avid follower of Animated Meat, you know it’s near impossible for Mai and I to pass up an attraction that has animals.

If you decide to visit, expect something different from the typical Disney experience.  This is largely an opportunity to look at animals.  It’s really not too ride heavy.  If you’re looking to go on big roller coasters, go somewhere else.

One of the big attractions at the Wild Kingdom is a revision of the Matterhorn.  They decided to transpose it into the Himalayas and completely retool the ride.  Worth the wait if there is one.  There wasn’t the day we went.

Now considering that I am thirty-six and do not have children of my own, it would seem that I am not high on the typical Disney client list.  However, as far from the demographic as I am, I was not disappointed.  I think that Disney had done a remarkable job with this park and it deserves a visit.