I hate to be the person to do it, but I’m going to tell you the truth about one of your childhood memories. Let me paint the picture. Remember when your parents would take you and your siblings to Disneyland in the summer? And do you remember when they let you go explore the park on your own? Your dad would tell you something like, “Keep an eye on your sister. We’ll meet you at Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride at 4:30. Your mother and I are going to take a ride on the Monorail.”

“Taking a ride on the Monorail” was actually a euphemism for “We’re going to go and get a drink”. Thankfully, the visionaries at the Magic Kingdom have opened Trader Sam’s, a tiki bar that will allow a whole new generation of adults to take the ride.

You can sit outside of the bar and enjoy the afternoon, but remember this is a Disney-fueled tiki bar, but I recommend that you take a seat inside. Aside from rum-heavy fruity drinks, the Imagineers have also dropped in some surprises. Certain drinks trigger rain to fall, a volcano to erupt, or a ship-in-a-bottle to sink.

In typical Disney fashion, they have pulled out all of the stops when building this place. Just take a look at the men’s room. Tiki wallpaper, tiki door handles, and tiki sconces. They could have scrimped, but that just isn’t the Disney way.

So aside from the décor, how are the drinks? Really fine. Don’t let the fact that you’re in the Disneyland Hotel deceive you. They pack a punch. While we were there, we watched on guy seated at the bar proudly announce to his wife, “So I’m drunk!”

Shrunken Zombie Head – Lots of rum. Not for the inexperienced.

Piranha Pool – Kind of like a Blue Hawaii. It has a sweet that doesn’t let up.

Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki Room – The Trader Sam’s pina colada. This was my favorite of the bunch. Rumor has it, if you don’t rattle off all of the tiki’s when you order, then no drink for you.

How about the food? It’s good bar food. We tried the Pu Pu Platter, the lettuce cups, and the Ahi Poke. All of it worked.

I made an important decision about my future. If I ever have a son, I’m going to make a big deal about his first trip to Disneyland. For about six weeks straight, I’m going to get him really excited about the place. By the time we park, he’s going to float across the parking lot.

But in reality, I’m actually going to just take him to Downtown Disney. What’s the point? While it may be a magic kingdom, the last time I checked they’re charging a pretty penny for a piece of that magic. By having a crappy time a Downtown Disney, my little kidney donor will never ask to go again. Sure, he may be sullen and end up moving to France so that he can sulk in a café, dear old dad will never have to part with his money.

So what exactly is Downtown Disney? There are a few restaurants and a few stores. There is even a House of Blues. Unlike its two upscale cousins, Disneyland and California Adventure, it doesn’t cost a dime to get in. It’s a way to get a taste of the Disney lifestyle without parting with the cash.

Now it may sound like I’m negative on this experience. Maybe I am. But at the same time, Mickey has done something remarkable here. He’s provided for a clean and safe place for folks to gather. Very clever, Mickey. Very clever, indeed.