Halloween Club - Originally Published 2010

Being a peer-edited scientific journal, Animated Meat seeks to shed light on the mysteries of the universe.  Today, we ask the question, “What happened to all the adults?”

Adults.  Remember them?  They were those folks with mustaches and lower back pain that drove AMCs.  They used to tell us when it was time for bed and to turn down that god damned racket.  I’m not sure when it happened, but it seems that they very quietly disappeared somewhere back in the 1990’s.

Take the Halloween Club, for example.  This is a year-round store in Santa Fe Springs devoted to all things spooky.  It’s well stocked and the staff was great.  They were attentive and helpful.

But a year-round Halloween store?  I don’t think that this would have flown back in 1976.  Why?  Because 1970’s moms were worried about being good moms.  They didn’t concern themselves with dressing like a slutty stewardess. 

Do you have $1000 sitting around?  If you do, they have a storm trooper outfit for you.  The adults that used to be around wouldn’t be interested in something like that.  That same thousand dollars could be used to put a new roof on the house.

But as I said, this place is incredibly well stocked.  There’s even a cannibal butcher shop.  Stock up, because the peeled off face is on special this week.

And while I’m busy calling our generation’s ability to be adults into question, I want to point out these costumes.  Yep.  Leatherface, Jason, and a pimp all in child sizes.

Clifton's Cafeteria - Originally Published 2010

Clifford Clinton was a bold man.  How bold?  First, he opened a business that catered to the everyman in the middle of the Great Depression.  Second, he took on the mayor of Los Angeles, the LA Times, and the LAPD.  That little disagreement got so heated that the LAPD set a bomb off in his Los Feliz home.  Needless to say, he was undeterred and as a result, he changed the power and scope of LA politics.  If you want more on that, follow this link.

Clifton’s is like a moment frozen in time.  This is a place that serves the stick-to-your-ribs kind of food that the shuffling masses in the last century yearned for.  Clifton’s specializes in the dense fair that our grandmothers told us would make us grow big and strong. 

The Clinton family has hung in there at the same location with the same menu for over seventy years.

The food is just one thing that sets Clifton’s apart from the rest.  The décor is another reason to show up.  The three-floored cafeteria is set up to look like a cabin, complete with real wood paneling, fishing bears, and a running stream.  There is also a chapel for those that are weary in spirit.

Stop into Clifton’s and get a piece of pie and some coffee.   It should be on everyone’s to-do list the next time you’re in downtown LA.

Hot Air Ballooning - Originally Published 2009

Since I have committed myself to a life of adventure, I have signed more than my fair share of releases of liability where I have allowed a company to be without blame in the untimely event of my death or dismemberment.  All that’s in the release for hot air ballooning, but my friends at Great Escapes threw me a new one.  There’s one part of the release that states something to the effect “I understand that I may be guilty of the crime of trespassing while hot air ballooning and will wave the company of all wrongdoing in the event of my arrest and/or prosecution”.

Whaty what?!  I was just planning on floating around in a balloon for my wife’s birthday.  I didn’t know I was going to roll out in Temecula with a graffiti crew.  Trespassing?  How could that happen?

Here’s what we found out from our aeronaut John.  It turns out that once you’re up in the balloon, you’re basically at the mercy of the winds.  All the balloonist can do is take you up and down.  There’s always the chance that you’ll land in someone’s yard and get arrested.

Once you get airborne, you float gently through the air.  And I mean gently.  This is really a great activity for type B people. 

See that truck?  The driver has an important job.  He keeps his eye on the balloon and makes his best guess at where you will be landing.  Lucky for us, he guessed correctly.

The most amazing thing about a trip in a hot air balloon is that a place like Temecula really looks beautiful from a few thousand feet up.  I would really recommend that you give this a try out.  There are many companies out that that charter flights.  I rolled the dice on Grape Escapes, and I was impressed by their service and their price.

Bass Pro Shops at Victoria Gardens - Originally Published 2009

Here are the dispatches from my recent mission:  spend a $40 gift card at Bass Pro Shop in Rancho Cucamonga.  

In case you have completely barricaded yourself inside your ivory tower, I need to make you aware that there is a superstore like no other.  I give you Bass Pro Shop, a one-stop shop for all of your hunting and fishing needs.  And I really mean all of them.

While one America spends its time attending the symphony and getting a taste for fine wine, there is another America.  An America that buys deer urine and spends weekends bow hunting wild turkey.  In my ignorance, I thought these were Wal-Mart people.  Bass Pro Shop is evidence that they have money to burn.

“Huge” doesn’t even begin to describe this place.  Bass Pro Shop is two stories full of everything you would need for your next hunting trip, as well as a boat shop, a furniture store, and an indoor archery range.

Remember when I told you that they have everything?  There is an entire aisle devoted to your outdoor toileting needs.

This here is what our red state brothers may refer to as "a mess of woodland camouflage".

Plenty of dead animals and a few live ones.

Firearms for children of all ages.  Yes.  That's a pink rifle.

Bass Pro Shop is worth a look, even if the closest you ever plan to get to the outdoors is when you go on the Big Thunder Mountain ride at Disneyland.  And remember; don’t judge those who spend their time stalking their prey.  The meat you ate tonight didn’t exactly die of a heart attack. 

Tom's Farms - Originally Published 2008

Is it a place to eat, or is it something to do?  Well, Tom’s Farms can probably be best described as a wide spot in the road.  If you ever need to venture down to Temecula or any other points along the 15, it’s worth a stop.

Tom’s has two restaurants, a wine and cheese shop, a furniture store, a candy shop, and a farmer’s market.  Basically, a little bit of everything.

At the very least, it’s a good place to let your Chihuahua wander around and pee on stuff.  But remember, Tom’s doesn’t allow outside food so no picnicking.

It seems like everywhere that Mai and I stop has farm animals.  Tom’s Farms is no exception.  Lucy wasn’t big on the pigs.