Kennedy Space Center - Originally Published 2009

Do you remember when you were a kid and there was that one rich kid who lived on your street?  I remember him.  He was kind of a turd, but I would go over his house anyway.  Why would I waste my precious time hanging out with a turd?  Because he had all of the best toys.  I suppose that makes me a turd as well.

He would sit in his room and tell me he was bored.  Bored?! How could he be bored?! Stacked in his closet were all the best games:  Ants in the Pants, Mr. Mouth, Hungry Hungry Hippos, Don’t Tip the Waiter.  “Let’s play a game,” I’d suggest.  “Nah, they’re all boring,” he’d retort.

Then, I’d go down the list.  “Let’s play Operation.”  “No.”  “Let’s play Trouble.” “No.”  “Let’s play Sorry.” “No.”  This would go on the better part of the afternoon.  Finally, I’d get frustrated and ride my Schwinn home.

Are you picking up what I’m putting down?  I think that we in America have become like that rich kid.  We have gotten really apathetic about the space program.  You doubt me?  Name our space shuttle.  Can you name an astronaut that has been part of a mission in the last ten years?

The space program is a victim of its own success.  I remember drinking Tang when I was a kid.  Why?  Because that’s the drink the astronauts took to the moon.  What do the astronauts drink in the International Space Station?  I don’t know.  I couldn’t tell you.

Keep in mind; it’s not for lack of nerdiness in America.  Look at the recent release of the iPad by Apple.  People are still discussing it.  All it is a really big iTouch.  My suggestion is that NASA needs to hire Apple’s PR team.  There are droves of uninformed nerds in America that are dying to get excited about something.  Pay the right team and connect with them, NASA.

Gatorland - Originally Published 2009

Long before Uncle Walt decided to make Central Florida home to the East Coast answer to Disneyland, Owen Godwin Sr. looked across the miles and mile of wetlands and saw opportunity.  This is where he would construct his dream.  And with that, Gatorland became the first tourist destination in Central Florida.

The park gets billed as Florida’s best half-day attraction.  I’m not arguing with this bold claim.  It’s a great place to spend a few hours and get more that your fill of alligators.

None of the pictures I took with the SLR on this trip came out.

The price of admission gets you into a couple of shows.  We took a look at the gator wrestling program as well as the gator feeding.  Something I learned, contrary to popular belief, if you are ever chased by a gator, you should run in a straight line, not zigzag.

For ten extra dollars, we got the chance to feed horsemeat to the alligators.  I didn’t even realize that was on my to-do list, but now I get to cross it off.  These are some well-fed alligators.  They actually seemed pretty docile when we threw them the meat.

While the name of the place is Gatorland, it could have just as easily been called Birdland.  There were just as many birds here as there were alligators.

Orlando Magic at Amway Arena - Orginally Published 2009

Last year during the playoffs, I grew to hate the Orlando Magic.  They completely dissected the Cavs.  And then something happened.  I grew to appreciate them.  In fact, I cheered for them in the finals.  Yep.  I rooted against the Lakers.  I guess I just like the fact that such a great team can come out of such a small market.

Here’s a recommendation.  Go to a smaller city, preferably one with only one professional franchise and check out how they treat that team.  I have never been to a stadium that was as festive as the Amway Arena.  It’s something to see.

That’s not to say that we don’t appreciate our teams here in LA.  But let’s face facts. We have two baseball teams, two hockey teams, and two basketball teams.  Not to mention that we have two Pac Ten Schools that are maybe fifteen miles apart from each other.  With so much going on, attention gets divided.

It’s just a much different vibe being in a city that only has one team to get behind and cheer for.  Of course, it helps that this town has a team with the likes of Dwight Howard, Rashard Lewis, Jameer Lewis, Matt Barnes, and JJ Redick on it.

Indoor Skydiving - Originally Published 2009

“You will get two minutes of skydiving.” 

Excuse me?  Two minutes?  That’s it?  Was I hearing the guy at the counter correctly?  Didn’t know that I am a sky king and I would require at least a half an hour of flight time?

“Trust me, two minutes is a long time for a beginner.”

With little room for debate, we forked over the cash and headed in for our skyventure. 

So what is indoor skydiving?  Basically, a huge turbine creates an updraft of winds moving at over one hundred thirty-five miles an hour.  It’s supposed to simulate the sensation of free fall.

It’s kind of like blowing around inside of a blender.  Believe it or not, you actually achieve flight.  It’s an intense experience where I ended up feeling every single second.  The guy at the counter was right.  Two minutes was more that enough.

The answer, much like Mai, Tina, Marc, and I was blowing in the wind.

If you are ever presented the opportunity, do it.  This was a blast.  Indoor skydiving helped shake off the case of the creeps I picked up during my trip to The Holy Land Experience earlier in the day.

The Holy Land Experience - Originally Published 2009

You know what folks?  I’m really dumb.  Really, really dumb.  I’m going to fall on my sword here and quantify exactly how dumb I really am.  $70.  What’s $70?  That’s how much I paid to get my wife and I into the Holy Land Experience.  My wife knew I was being dumb, but she didn’t put the breaks on it.  I guess there is an insane look I get in my eyes and she knows that there will be no talking me out of something.

So what is Holy Land?  I hesitate to call it a theme park.  We paid to walk around and look at a mish-mash of Sunday school projects produced by folks with a budget.  By the way, this is a Trinity Broadcast Network production.  Apparently, they believe in the divinity of the white, mechanical baby Jesus.

What was I doing here?  I kept asking myself that question.  As far as church and religion are concerned, I don’t feel like I need them.  When I want to get close to god, I’ll hang out with my wife, or go to the mountains, or watch my Chihuahuas run around.  There are a thousand better places that I can find where I get close to god than at church.

Now that I think about it, I think I came here in order to goof on people.  I wanted to look at the deeply religious and laugh at them.  Remember when I said I was dumb?  This is how dumb I am.  I paid $70 to some vampires to laugh at those who believe.  I feel like a creep as I write out my confession.

First, I’m dumb because I gave $70 to TBN.  I’m sure that my money is being used to hold up gay marriage in the courts or to buy some hairspray for Benny Hinn.  Second, I’m dumb for wanting to laugh at people who believe.  That’s not right.  I should know better than that.

But mostly I’m dumb because Jesus was a really nice guy.  We went to the Last Supper and sat on the Judas side of the table.  John called me “brother” and there was no irony in his voice.  It made me feel like a bug turd.

The Holy Land Experience is a big bummer.  Don’t do it to yourself.  Be glad that Animated Meat took this one for the team.  Donate a pint of blood and give your $70 to a charity of your choice.

With all of that off my chest, here is some of the stuff we saw. 

Jesus’ tomb was empty, for he is risen.  However, Meat was comfortably relaxing on the other side.

Blond Jesus wants your children to throw a couple bucks in the toy machine.

here were dinosaurs on the ark according to the model in kiddieland.

My wife can walk on water.

TBN has produced a religious version of “It’s a Bug’s Life”.  It’s for sale in the store.