Olympic Game Farm - Originally Published 2009

I suppose it just wouldn’t be a vacation for Mai and I if we didn’t stop and take a look at some animals.  If you ever find yourself in Sequim, I recommend stopping and taking a look at the Olympic Game Farm.

The Olympic Game Farm is a refuge for formerly professional animals that have been retired.  For a few dollars, you get a bag of bread and the opportunity to drive around and feed the animals.

Some of these critters were particularly aggressive.  They have learned that cars mean people and people mean slices of bread.

This old bear figured out how to wave.  We would wave at him.  He would wave at us.  We would throw him some bread.  He would wave at us again.  We would wave back at him and throw more bread.  This went on for about five minutes.

The Roosevelt elk and the buffalo were particularly imposing.  Before we drive though, we were warned that they had a tendency to bump into cars.

San Diego Zoo - Originally Published 2010

Dear Reader, are you ready to hear about a theory I’ve been working on?  Seeing how this is America’s foremost peer-reviewed scientific journal, I think that this would be an appropriate forum to share it.  I must caution you that there is no data to back up the theory.  And I should also inform you that I have sculpted it in drives to and from work.  A nonconventional laboratory to say the least but it’s probably a nonconventional theory.

The theory revolves around the planet.  Our planet.  Moreover, it concerns us and our place within the hierarchy of the planet. 

Watch animals for a while.  They know their place.  They eat when it’s time to eat.  They sleep when it’s time to sleep.  It all seems to work.  Do you realize that there is even something called a Dung Beetle?  You know how it got that name?  It eats dung.  Why?  Because someone has to.

But let’s go back to the human animal for a minute.  We are a self-centered lot.  Even our theology reeks of it.  Think about the teachings of some of the more popular institutions.  This place is a test?  And how we perform here determines where we go when we’re done?  Really?

So here’s the theory.  It’s not our planet.  It was never supposed to be.  Before I delve deeper, I would recommend throwing on some music.  Try out Vangelis’ “Heaven and Hell: Part I”.  I find that it clears the receptors.  Carl Sagan was aware of the power of this particular tune.

If you’re still with me, you probably have a few questions.  We have grasped the power of ones and zeroes in order to communicate out here in cyberspace.  How in the world could this not be our planet?

Because, biologically speaking, we are a mutation.  That’s it.  We were a group of wandering primates that started eating fish.  The Omega-3 helped to develop an oversized brain.  We use language in order to communicate our anxieties and tools to turn on our television sets.  However, at the end of the day, we are just a small group of apes that were run out of central Africa.  This could explain the feeling of being lost that we all seem to share.

So whom was the planet intended for?  From what I’ve seen, I think it was supposed to be for the elephants and the whales.  As for us, our role better change to that of the custodian.  We need to do a better job of cleaning up after ourselves.

Oregon Zoo - Originally Published 2008

Here’s some advice.  If you plan on visiting Washington Park and Zoo, make sure you pick a day when the weather isn’t sweltering.  We made the mistake of trying it on a day when the weather was not kind and as a result, we didn’t get the full impact of the place.

I mean, it was so hot that the only animals that were moving around were the dopey people like yours truly.  This leopard had the right idea of what to do with a day like this.

If you happen to end up there on such a day, I recommend jumping on the train and taking a ride down to the Rose Test Garden.  The train winds through a shady forest.

Santa Ana Zoo - Originally Published 2010

Who knew that Santa Ana had a zoo?  I didn’t, did you?

You can find value, at the Santa Ana Zoo.

This monkey beckons us to join his crew, at the Santa Ana Zoo.

There was some bamboo, at the Santa Ana Zoo.

They even have a choo-choo, at the Santa Ana Zoo.

It’s called a Rhea but I mistook it for an emu, at the Santa Ana Zoo.

The monkeys were nice and didn’t throw poo, at the Santa Ana Zoo.

The lemurs made a hullabaloo, at the Santa Ana Zoo.

The camels have one hump not two, at the Santa Ana Zoo.

Monkey Jungle - Originally Published 2011

It’s good thing Animated Meat does not choose travel destinations based off the prejudices of others.  Take southern Florida, for example.  I’ve heard plenty of horror stories about it.  You know what?  If we listened to them, then we would have missed out on Monkey Jungle. 

What is Monkey Jungle?  According to the website, it’s where nearly 400 primates run free on a 30 acre preserve.  According to me, it’s enough reason to pack a back and head down to Florida for a visit.

Like the sign says, it’s a place where the humans are caged and the monkeys run wild.  And run wild they do.  Keep in mind that they don’t live in an aviary; there’s no top to their portion of the park.  If any of the residents is displeased, he can beat it out of there whenever he likes.

So what keeps the squadrons of monkey satiated enough to stay put and not run amok in Miami?  Raisins.  Lots and lots of raisins.  As Mai demonstrates in the above sequence, here is how a macaque trains a human.  First, there are metal cups throughout the park.  The visitor just needs to drop a few raisins inside.  The grateful monkey pulls the cup up, eats, and then drops the cup back down for the human to repeat the process.   You didn’t bring raisins with you?  That’s okay.  They’re for sale in the gift shop.

In addition, there are four shows that run continuously through the day.  One of the highlights is the feeding of the Java macaques, also known as crab-eating macaques.  These guys will gladly swim across the water for a hard boiled egg.

Monkey Jungle is also home to a couple great apes, both of which despite looking happy and well adjusted have sad stories.  First, there is the orangutan.  She is a hybrid, which means that when it comes to breeding, she is pretty far down the list.  Basically, scientists want to keep bloodlines “pure”.

And then there’s King.  Unlike an orangutan, a gorilla is a more social animal and in the wild can be found in family units.  King was rescued from a circus.  The shit heads at the circus saw fit to pull all of his front teeth, top and bottom.  This puts him in a vulnerable position and as a result can’t be part of a troop.