Sergio's Leather and Belts - Originally Published 2011

You know what’s nice?  Not being destitute.  You know what’s nicer than that?  To have the resources necessary to put an artisan to work.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I hate to be a braggadocio, but three years of hard work and globetrotting have put me in such a position.  One fine Sunday found Animated Meat at the Orange County Market Place.  I happened upon Sergio’s Leather and Belts.  Sergio is a master leather craftsman.  After explaining the virtues of hard versus soft leather to me, I decided to put him to work.  What better place to embody the Animated Meat philosophy than in a belt and a wristband? 

America, what you are all witness to the first-ever commissioned work by Animated Meat.  It’s the best I can do to use my capital to support American industry.

Beach Ball Comics Free Comic Book Day - Originally Published

I hate to be dystopian in my view of the future. However, let me tell you something, America.  As I travel around, I see these little hints of things to come.  Maybe they’re omens and maybe they’re not. 

God bless comic books.  And God bless guys like Stan Lee, William Gaines, Don Martin, Al Jaffee, Sergio Aragones, Jack Davis, Mort Drucker, and Antonio Prohias.  And while I’m commanding God to bless some people, let’s throw in all the people out there who produce and sell comics.

Why am I being so liberal with the blessings today?  If it weren’t for comics, I would be illiterate.  It’s true.  I chose to read Daredevil as opposed to Great Expectations.  I know I was supposed to read Madame Bovary.  But I couldn’t.  It was a stupid book about a spoiled French woman.  And I was already occupied.  I was pouring over a fold-in in the back of a Mad Magazine. 

While my birth as a reader was hardly on the mean streets, it was nontraditional to say the least.  And now I find myself in a disturbing place in America’s history.  Are you aware that in the 1950’s there was a movement to do away with comic books?  Why was that?  There was a supposed link between reading comic books and juvenile delinquents.  If Johnny read a copy of “The Vault of Horror” it would only be a matter of time before he became a switchblade-wheeling hot rodder.  The funny thing about all of this is that the juvenile delinquents in the 1950’s actually read.  Our delinquents are lucky if they can spell their neck tattoos correctly.

Yes, I’m back on the reading jag again.  People just don’t read anymore.  As further evidence, I present to you Free Comic Book Day.  For those that aren’t in the know, that’s the first Saturday in May.  Comic book publishers and stores give away thousands of free titles.  Why?  Altruism aside, it’s to get people back into the stores and reading again.

I decided to celebrate Free Comic Book Day at Beach Ball Comics in Anaheim.  As one can gauge from the photos, there was quite a turnout.  And why not?  This store seems to be well run and managed without the comic book store attitude that might have sent you packing in the past.

I assure you that comics are just as great as you may remember.  Not sure where to start?  Give “The Sandman” by Neil Gaiman a try.  If you’re looking for something on the bleak side, try some Alan Moore.  But more than anything, I recommend that you head to a place like Beach Ball.  Throw yourself on the mercy of the clerks.  Let them know that you haven’t read any titles since the seventh grade.  They would love to have you there and will gladly steer you in the right direction.  

Medieval Times - Originally Published 2011

This is my nephew Tyler.  He just rolled up the big 1 on the odometer of life.  As far as I can tell, he’s pretty smart for his age.  He crawls and can pull himself into a standing position.  Lately, he’s taken to pointing at things.  And, he can clap his hands like a mother. 

The thing I like about Tyler is that he’s smart without being creepy about it.  I believe the term that some parents use is precocious.  But you know what I mean.  One time I went on a tour of Chichen Itza and there were one of those kids in our group.  At first, his command of Mayan culture and history was cute.  But then it got to a point where I found myself thinking, “Pump the breaks, Boy Wonder.”  I found myself firing off answers just to shut him down.  According to my wife, I was jealous.  Probably.

But back to Tyler.  The other night, we took him to Medieval Times in Buena Park.  It’s great time.  However, there is a certain amount of suspension of disbelief that must happen.  If Tyler would have acted like one of those precocious kids, he would have wrecked the experience for all of the adults in his group. 

For example, when he found out he was going here, he kept it to himself that the Medieval Period was a thousand year period in Europe that was ushered in by the fall of the Roman Empire and ended as the Renaissance was welcomed in.

And when the king welcomed us to his castle, Tyler kept it cool that it would have been impossible for the king to speak English in the 11th century.  After all, as any one year old knows, the Norman conquest of England didn’t even take place until 1066. 

At that time, folks in the British Isles still spoke something now known as Old English.  Old English is a German-inflected language that would be completely foreign to our ears.  Tyler might have also recommended an untranslated version of Beowulf if we didn’t believe him. 

He also kept it to himself that even at the time of the Canterbury Tales, Chaucer’s version of English would actually sound a bit more like French to the modern ear.  Clearly, we would all have to wait until the time of Shakespeare before we would get an English we would all be more comfortable with. 

Thankfully, he let it slide.  When the kings musicians played a fanfare on the their trumpets, he spared us one of those cute little lessons about how if truly were Middle Ages of Europe, the last thing we would ever hear would be a trumpet, at least not in its three-valve combination.  As any toddler knows, the valve trumpet didn’t show up until the eighteen hundreds.  Even Beethoven’s works featured natural trumpets.  

Yes, kids do say the darnedest things sometimes.  And all of the adults in Tyler’s immediate vicinity appreciate that sometimes it’s what they don’t say.

Great Park - Originally Published 2010

Let’s get straight to the point.  Orange County’s Great Park hasn’t quite measured up to it’s name yet.  I would be more inclined to call it “Really Ambitious Park” or “Soon To Be A Great Park As Soon As Lerner Homes Honors Its Commitment Park”.

What is Great Park? Once upon a time, Orange County was home to El Toro Marine Base.  Then, the Cold War ended.  Since we would no longer have enemies, there was no need for the Marines to safeguard Irvine. And so somewhere in the early nineties, it closed.

But what does one do with an airbase?  Some suggested turning it into an international airport and alleviate some of the commotion over at John Wayne.  But then all of the attorneys that live in the area threw out a card known as “not in my backyard” and killed the idea.

The solution to the problem was to annex the land and build a park on par with Golden Gate or Central.  And so the county of Orange gave birth to the Great Park.  The park is currently in it infancy.  There is a play area with sports fields set to open soon.  You can go to the visitors’ center and ride in the balloon.  Other than that, it’s largely what one would expect to see in an abandoned base in the process of being converted to a park.  

Now, don’t mistake Animated Meat for a cynical publication.  I would just like to prep anyone planning a visit that the park is still far from great.  However, I have every hope that this becomes an example of what happens when we beat our swords into ploughshares.  

Anaheim Marketplace - Originally Published 2011

Step right up, ladies and gentlemen.  Behold history in the making.  For the first time ever, a jumbo-sized photo here in the pages of Animated Meat! 

Why the extravagance now in these lean times?  It is for illustrative purposes.  Animated Meat, a highly regarded peer-edited scientific journal wishes to put before you a hypothesis and the evidence.  The hypothesis?  You can get anything you would ever want at the Anaheim Marketplace.

The evidence?  Read that sign, ladies and gentlemen.  Translated, it says “Free weddings on February 13th, both religious and civil”.  Think of that as irrefutable fact in the fossil record.  Something with the magnitude of the Piltdown Man’s remains.

Yes, you can get a wedding here, along with a whole lot of other things.  God only knows what this place was before it became the Anaheim Marketplace, but it’s huge.  So huge there is even a soccer field.  Really.  Drive around the back of the place and you’ll see it.

There’s plenty of food to be had here, everything from the grab and go variety to the sit and savor.  I opted for a chicken mole plate along with a Mexican Coca-Cola.  Incase you don’t know, the Mexican kind uses real sugar as opposed to corn syrup.  Purists will tell you it tastes better.

Are you into the really scary brand of Catholicism?  The kind with bleeding Jesus statues?  The Anaheim Marketplace has your back.  Shop today and light candles tonight.

The Marketplace states that it has over three hundred vendors.   I would agree with that claim. The spaces are set up in a grid format, like a well-planned city.  It’s a lot of acreage if you intend to see all of it.  If you didn’t wear your comfy shoes, that’s okay.  There’s probably a store in here that can sell you a pair.

Are you dying to dress like Los Tigres Del Norte?  The Marketplace has everything you need to get fully equipped.  This particular store also sells men’s fur coats.  I would have included a photo as evidence, but I caught a nasty glare.  If you really want to see it, send me an email at theadjuser@mac.com and I’ll pass it along.

Yes, that sign does say “cassettes”.  Animated Meat can’t confirm that claim, but they do have plenty of Banda CD’s.

These toys all looked like a lot of fun.  Lots of guns and soldiers.  I’m sure that everything here poses a choking risk or will potentially put your eye out.

Futball?  Si!

There are no less that three tattoo shops within the Marketplace.