Indoor Skydiving - Originally Published 2009

“You will get two minutes of skydiving.” 

Excuse me?  Two minutes?  That’s it?  Was I hearing the guy at the counter correctly?  Didn’t know that I am a sky king and I would require at least a half an hour of flight time?

“Trust me, two minutes is a long time for a beginner.”

With little room for debate, we forked over the cash and headed in for our skyventure. 

So what is indoor skydiving?  Basically, a huge turbine creates an updraft of winds moving at over one hundred thirty-five miles an hour.  It’s supposed to simulate the sensation of free fall.

It’s kind of like blowing around inside of a blender.  Believe it or not, you actually achieve flight.  It’s an intense experience where I ended up feeling every single second.  The guy at the counter was right.  Two minutes was more that enough.

The answer, much like Mai, Tina, Marc, and I was blowing in the wind.

If you are ever presented the opportunity, do it.  This was a blast.  Indoor skydiving helped shake off the case of the creeps I picked up during my trip to The Holy Land Experience earlier in the day.

The Holy Land Experience - Originally Published 2009

You know what folks?  I’m really dumb.  Really, really dumb.  I’m going to fall on my sword here and quantify exactly how dumb I really am.  $70.  What’s $70?  That’s how much I paid to get my wife and I into the Holy Land Experience.  My wife knew I was being dumb, but she didn’t put the breaks on it.  I guess there is an insane look I get in my eyes and she knows that there will be no talking me out of something.

So what is Holy Land?  I hesitate to call it a theme park.  We paid to walk around and look at a mish-mash of Sunday school projects produced by folks with a budget.  By the way, this is a Trinity Broadcast Network production.  Apparently, they believe in the divinity of the white, mechanical baby Jesus.

What was I doing here?  I kept asking myself that question.  As far as church and religion are concerned, I don’t feel like I need them.  When I want to get close to god, I’ll hang out with my wife, or go to the mountains, or watch my Chihuahuas run around.  There are a thousand better places that I can find where I get close to god than at church.

Now that I think about it, I think I came here in order to goof on people.  I wanted to look at the deeply religious and laugh at them.  Remember when I said I was dumb?  This is how dumb I am.  I paid $70 to some vampires to laugh at those who believe.  I feel like a creep as I write out my confession.

First, I’m dumb because I gave $70 to TBN.  I’m sure that my money is being used to hold up gay marriage in the courts or to buy some hairspray for Benny Hinn.  Second, I’m dumb for wanting to laugh at people who believe.  That’s not right.  I should know better than that.

But mostly I’m dumb because Jesus was a really nice guy.  We went to the Last Supper and sat on the Judas side of the table.  John called me “brother” and there was no irony in his voice.  It made me feel like a bug turd.

The Holy Land Experience is a big bummer.  Don’t do it to yourself.  Be glad that Animated Meat took this one for the team.  Donate a pint of blood and give your $70 to a charity of your choice.

With all of that off my chest, here is some of the stuff we saw. 

Jesus’ tomb was empty, for he is risen.  However, Meat was comfortably relaxing on the other side.

Blond Jesus wants your children to throw a couple bucks in the toy machine.

here were dinosaurs on the ark according to the model in kiddieland.

My wife can walk on water.

TBN has produced a religious version of “It’s a Bug’s Life”.  It’s for sale in the store.

Epcot - Originally Published 2009

Animated Meat is all about expanding horizons and pushing outside of the mundane.  In my humble opinion, one of the best restoratives is to pack a bag and go wander around.

But let’s face it.  Traveling can be expensive.  And aside from that, foreign countries are always filled with foreigners that speak in foreign tongues.  I mean, they don’t even have the decency to learn English.

So, if you’re the slightest bit xenophobic maybe you should spare yourself the misery of travel to exotic ports of call and set your GPS for Epcot in Florida instead.

Epcot is almost like two parks in one.  The front half of the park is committed to the exploration of tomorrow.  The exhibits in and around the big silver ball all deal with future technologies.  Hopefully in the future we will get a handle on population because the day we went it was crowded beyond all imagination.

Because of the lack of any useable space, we headed straight back to the second part of the park, the World Showcase.  The first two lands were Mexico and Norway.  After a boat ride in Norway, we were treated to a five-minute film on the history of the country.  Really.

China was a hoot.  There weren’t any rides here.  It was more a place to stop and get a plate of authentic Orange Chicken.

I think that it was when we arrived in Italy that I realized that the World Showcase is basically a big shopping district.  Not every land has a ride but every one has a few stores devoted to the wares of the land your in.

Another thing that I realized is that every single land sells alcohol.  There are eleven total lands in the World Showcase.  It would be quite a game of bar golf to try and have a drink in each one.  Maybe Animated Meat will host a tournament here one day.

I feel the need to pause a bit before the tour continues.  I really don’t want to come off as one of those turds who hates everything Disney.  I really don’t hate Disney.  The company fascinates me.  Somehow, while everyone else in the world compromises their standards, they haven’t.  They continue to deliver a solid product and put customer service way up on their list.  If anything, they’re victims of their own success.  My primary turn off is that to go to a Disney park is to drown in crowds.

Morocco had to be the best of the lands.  It was humming with activity and served really good food. 

Another amazing thing about Disney is that they actually import their labor from each of the lands.  Japan has Japanese people, Morocco had Moroccans and Mexico had Mexicans.  They don’t just have some FSU student wear a fake mustache and a sombrero. 

Disney's Wild Kingdom - Originally Published 2009

The Disney World Resort in Orlando is actually a combination of several different parks.  There are four theme parks, two theme parks, and countless other attractions Disney has established in order to entertain the tourists. 

So what exactly is Disney’s Wild Kingdom?  Let’s think about in musical terms.  Name a song by OMD.  You probably mentioned “Secret” because that was a single.  Disney’s Wild Animal Kingdom is a deep album cut like “The Native Daughters of the Golden West”.  It’s every bit as good as the rest, but it’s not as visited.

With so much Disney choice, what brought us here?  If you’re an avid follower of Animated Meat, you know it’s near impossible for Mai and I to pass up an attraction that has animals.

If you decide to visit, expect something different from the typical Disney experience.  This is largely an opportunity to look at animals.  It’s really not too ride heavy.  If you’re looking to go on big roller coasters, go somewhere else.

One of the big attractions at the Wild Kingdom is a revision of the Matterhorn.  They decided to transpose it into the Himalayas and completely retool the ride.  Worth the wait if there is one.  There wasn’t the day we went.

Now considering that I am thirty-six and do not have children of my own, it would seem that I am not high on the typical Disney client list.  However, as far from the demographic as I am, I was not disappointed.  I think that Disney had done a remarkable job with this park and it deserves a visit.

Pea Soup Andersen's - Originally Published 2011

It was Nietzsche who wrote, “And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes into you.”  I’m not big on abysses.  Moreover, I’m not big on abysses staring into me.   I suppose that’s what Pea Soup Andersen’s became for me, a big black unknown.  I’ve passed it numerous times, but have never made the stop.

Recently, I decided to end the abyss’ power over me. On a dash up north, the wife and I decided to stop and shed some light into the deep, dark unknown.  Upon entering the quaint roadside stop, it would appear that my nemesis, the aforementioned abyss would again test out my will.

The challenge was thrown out to me.  For nine and a half dollars, how much pea soup could I eat?  The pea.  The Paul McCartney of the legume world.   Would I stay and play the game?  Or would I leave and let the abyss feed on my fear of the unknown?

Fear is normal, but to back down to it is unacceptable.  To do so would mean that I should turn in my Animated Meat card and go back to playing it safe.  “Waitress, bring me a bowl!”  And bring me a bowl she did.

The pea soup here is special, 100% vegetarian.  Don’t look for any pork in this soup, just spoonful after spoonful of pure pea delight.

And so I had my answer, a bowl and a half.  That’s how much pea soup I can eat.  I have looked into the eye of the beast and have not blinked.