Oktoberfest in Big Bear - Originally Published 2008

According to the literature, Big Bear has been holding their Oktoberfest for thirty-eight years now. 

Before entering, there is a line about fifty people deep.  Dress warmly.  It may be seventy down in the flatlands, but it will be in the fifties in the mountains.  Twelve bucks a person will get you in.

Do you like oompa music, twelve dollar beers, and brats from Costco?  If you answer yes, then this is the place for you. 

I would love to tell you, dear reader, that I had the time of my life at the Big Bear Oktoberfest.  But alas, I did not.  In fact, I realized that I could go home, eat a Costco brat, drink a beer, and watch the latest episodes of Heroes without risking a DUI.  And that is what we decided to do.

The Sushi Cruise - Originally Published 2010

I know what you’re thinking.  The Sushi Cruise is shaped like a boat.  And it’s all you can eat.  Nothing good can come of this.  As someone who was once a member of the Los Angeles Glitterati, I know where you’re coming from.  But I assure you, this place is amazing.

Since I moved inland about four years ago, this has been my sushi place of choice.  It keeps getting better every time I come here.  Recently, there were some menu upgrades.  The creativity has made all of the rolls taste like angels came from heaven and kissed each one.

So here’s my advice.  You can spend a few hundred at a place because some celebrity chef went there one time.  Or, you can grow wings, fly out the window and take a cruise.

The Coral Castle - Originally Published 2011

Love can make men do some pretty crazy things.  Ed Leedskalnin’s personal brand of love-crazy would have to be a bit more extreme than most folks.

The Isley Brothers and Michael Bolton agree on exactly three things, one of them being that love is a wonderful thing.  Love, as wonderful as it may be, has been known to make a fellow do some strange things.  It drove Menelaus to launch a campaign against the Trojans that lasted ten years.  Love was why Lloyd Dobler held that boom box up outside of Diane Court’s house that one night.  Love also was the reason why Ed Leedskalnin left his native Latvia and built the Coral Castle in Florida.

Who is Ed Leedskalnin?  He was a pretty unassuming immigrant that arrived on the shores of the US shortly after being jilted the day before his wedding.  His master plan for winning her back was to build a house completely out of fossilized coral.  With no machine tools.  And no help.  By the way, he was only 5’ tall, 100 pounds, and had suffered through a bout of tuberculosis.

Allow me to quantify his accomplishment for those of you without a degree in Construction Science.  One cubic foot of coral weighs 125 pounds.  Just one section of the wall around his castle is eight feet tall, four feet wide, and three feet thick which would make them about 12,000 pounds each.  Remember, the guy was consumptive.

So how did he do it?  That’s the best part.  No one knows.  As the story goes, he did it completely on his own and no one ever witnessed him work on it.

The Castle seems to be equal parts observatory and love letter to Ed’s Sweet Sixteen.  I found that one minute I was trying to get my head wrapped around the fact that the stones weren’t randomly positioned, two of them allowed Ed to track Polaris.  The next, I was looking at something like The Bedroom, the group of stones to the right.  Count them, three beds.  One for the husband, one for the wife, and one in the back for a baby.

If you do plan to visit the Coral Castle, I recommend doing a little background research on it first.  It takes up about an acre and it’s possible to run through it quickly without really looking at it and seeing some of the finer points.  If you watch some of this clip, you’ll see the stone that Mai is pushing.  We missed out on that “balance” thing they do in the clip*.  

*Note - I could not find the clip that I referenced in the original publication - Ed.

Monkey Jungle - Originally Published 2011

It’s good thing Animated Meat does not choose travel destinations based off the prejudices of others.  Take southern Florida, for example.  I’ve heard plenty of horror stories about it.  You know what?  If we listened to them, then we would have missed out on Monkey Jungle. 

What is Monkey Jungle?  According to the website, it’s where nearly 400 primates run free on a 30 acre preserve.  According to me, it’s enough reason to pack a back and head down to Florida for a visit.

Like the sign says, it’s a place where the humans are caged and the monkeys run wild.  And run wild they do.  Keep in mind that they don’t live in an aviary; there’s no top to their portion of the park.  If any of the residents is displeased, he can beat it out of there whenever he likes.

So what keeps the squadrons of monkey satiated enough to stay put and not run amok in Miami?  Raisins.  Lots and lots of raisins.  As Mai demonstrates in the above sequence, here is how a macaque trains a human.  First, there are metal cups throughout the park.  The visitor just needs to drop a few raisins inside.  The grateful monkey pulls the cup up, eats, and then drops the cup back down for the human to repeat the process.   You didn’t bring raisins with you?  That’s okay.  They’re for sale in the gift shop.

In addition, there are four shows that run continuously through the day.  One of the highlights is the feeding of the Java macaques, also known as crab-eating macaques.  These guys will gladly swim across the water for a hard boiled egg.

Monkey Jungle is also home to a couple great apes, both of which despite looking happy and well adjusted have sad stories.  First, there is the orangutan.  She is a hybrid, which means that when it comes to breeding, she is pretty far down the list.  Basically, scientists want to keep bloodlines “pure”.

And then there’s King.  Unlike an orangutan, a gorilla is a more social animal and in the wild can be found in family units.  King was rescued from a circus.  The shit heads at the circus saw fit to pull all of his front teeth, top and bottom.  This puts him in a vulnerable position and as a result can’t be part of a troop.

St. Augustine - Originally Published 2009

St. Augustine is the oldest permanent establishment in America.  What’s there to do there?  Well, there’s an old fort you can go and visit.

It’s coastal, so you can go walk around down by the marina.

Meat laying on the St. Augustine down in St. Augustine.

Ponce de Leon, constantly on.  The fountain of youth, not robotron.

This is the sight of an old slave market.  Really.  It’s part of America’s history, like it or not.

Don’t mess around in Florida.  They still use chain gangs down here.

Judgment day is on May 21st.  Better pencil it in.  It looks like this guy changed the date a few times.

There is also an old fort you can wander around in.

These old guys had a black powder musket demonstration.  The problem is, they talked for twenty minutes before they fired the damn thing.  We lost interest and wandered away.

But the real reason to go is this guy right here.  He plays two more instruments than Neil Young does.  Sorry for the short clip.  I was shooting on my point and click.